Thursday, April 12, 2007

How Not To Submit Your Resume



"Hello we are twin sisters looking to hopefully get a job together. We have posted a copy of both of our resumes below. If interested please reply ASAP because we can start ASAP.

Expectant Wage: $10.00 or up"

This is the cover letter we recently received at the marketing agency that I and fellow Groupsters work at in Los Angeles. The letter is short, sweet, and thoroughly amusing. As you read their cutesy, candid, and unedited resumes, it should put a pleasant smile on your face. I still can't get the blond twins from the 90s TV show Sweet Valley High out of my head.

The applicants have brilliantly branded themselves (unintentionally) as Valley girls. I would like to personally thank them for submitting the irrelevant information they included because it has surely made our week. Remember, they ONLY work together.

We will call these two eager applicants, Jennifer and Brittany, both 17. They both desire an Associate position and are in high school, but"have not graduated yet".

Jennifer's "sole purpose of acquiring this job is a compellation of three main reasons. The first reason is the chance of actually gaining experience in the retail field. Or just any job experience in general. I don’t have any experience in the retail field but I am really interested in gaining some. The second reason is for the chance to feel completely independent and not having to rely on my parents all of the time. This topic of which brings me to the next reason I want a job. The third main reason is so that I can show my parents that I can be responsible."

Whatever. Jennifer says she currently works at Macy's evenwhile claiming to have no experience in retail. Interesting. She also worked as a telemarketer, where everyday she had to say "the same thing over and over again for four hours with one 15 min break." Sounds like fun. Jennifer rounds it up with "In conclusion I am a very intelligent person."

Brittany will be going off to college soon and hopes to one day become a divorce lawyer. She worked at Sears, shockingly in competition with her sister Jennifer who works at Macy's. I thought they always worked together! Brittany also worked at a fitness club, where she liaised with clientele including Jessica Alba, The Rock, Ryan Reynolds and many more.
Dropping the name card - I guess in the Valley, knowing celebrities is equal to having a Harvard Degree.

Yours Truly, Tim

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